Drugs, abuse, mental illness, prison, poverty – I was born into the royal flush of family systems. By the ripe old age of 5, I’d become hyper- independent to accommodate for everyone else's needs. Fitting in was my ticket to love and belonging – or so I thought. As a teenager, it often felt like I was living a double life. On the inside, I had opinions, emotions, and needs, but on the outside – poker face. And the more I denied the reality of my inner world, the more numbed out and dulled down I became.

I never let anyone fully in, it was too risky. Every time I allowed the so called ugly, difficult, or challenging pieces of me to be seen, love was withdrawn. So naturally I began to craft versions of me that fit the narrative I wanted others to perceive. Although, disappearing myself gave me some semblance of safety, I never felt truly loved by anyone and I never felt like I belonged anywhere.

Then college. Can you technically experience a midlife crisis at 18? The first couple years of college almost broke me … well, not college per se, but the fact that for the first time in my life, there was no one to please in exchange for a full belly and a roof over my head. For the first time, I began grappling with questions like: Who am I? What do I like to do? What matters to me?

I didn’t know what to do with myself. I’d gotten so used to trading myself for love and belonging, that I hadn’t the slightest of clues. The feeling of being lost and empty was unbearable so I turned to what I'd seen in childhood – alcohol, pot, anti-depressants, sexcapades. Extreme? Maybe… but like I said before, feeling like you're “not enough” will make you do some pretty wild and crazy nonsense; And after numbing myself out mentally and emotionally for most of my life, intensity was the only thing that was going to do the trick.

Needless to say, romantic relationships in high school, college, and throughout my early 20s were largely a bust. My strategy to “earn” love and belonging was to be the woman who had no needs and was always ready [gag]. And this was really a challenge for me, because I didn’t even like or want sex back then. Still, no matter how much I traded myself...I just felt resentful, lonely, and anxious. Rinse, lather, repeat.

Does this story feel all too familiar?

If you're tired of settling for less then you need and want in relationship. If you're tired of how dulled down, anxious, and disconnected you feel when you betray your needs and values. If you're ready to be seen, heard, and valued as you in love – give me a call.