Drugs, abuse, mental illness, prison, poverty – I was born into the royal flush of family systems. By the ripe old age of 5, I’d become hyper- independent to accommodate for everyone else's needs.

Fitting in was my ticket to love and belonging – or so I thought. As a teenager, it often felt like I was living a double life. On the inside, I had opinions, emotions, and needs, but on the outside – poker face. And the more I denied the reality of my inner world, the more numbed out and dulled down I became... and the more my "self" disappeared.

I never let anyone fully in, it was too risky. Every time I allowed the so called ugly, difficult, or challenging pieces of me to be seen — love was withdrawn. So naturally I began to craft versions of me that fit the narrative I wanted others to perceive... beautiful, strong, self-contained. This disappearing act gave me some semblance of safety ( because it decreased the threat of punishment or rejection), I never felt truly loved by anyone and I never felt like I belonged anywhere.

Then college. Can you technically experience a midlife crisis at 18? The first couple years of college almost broke me … well, not college per se, but the fact that for the first time in my life, there was no one to please in exchange for a full belly and a roof over my head. For the first time, I began grappling with questions like: Who am I? What do I like to do? What matters to me?

I didn’t know what to do with myself. I’d gotten so used to trading myself for love and belonging, that I hadn’t the slightest clue about my own needs and values. I had no sense of self.

The feeling of being lost and empty was unbearable so I turned to what I'd seen in childhood – alcohol, pot, anti-depressants, sexcapades. Extreme? Maybe… but believing and fearing that you're “not enough” will make you do some pretty wild and crazy nonsense; And after numbing myself out mentally and emotionally for most of my life, I needed intensity to feel anything.

Needless to say... romantic relationships in high school, college, and throughout my early 20s were largely a bust. My strategy to “earn” love and belonging was to be a no needs sex kitten [gag]. And this act was really a challenge for me, because I didn’t even like or want sex back then. Still, no matter how much I traded myself... I just felt resentful, anxious, and alone. Rinse, lather, repeat.

Do you have your own version of this story? Where have you been people pleasing and overaccomidating at the expense of your own well-being? Where have you been disappearing yourself?

I know it's hard to put all of your cards on the table... to allow all of you to be. But when we show up as anyone other than who we are, we never get to feel seen, heard, and valued for who we truly are. We never feel at ease, connected, and satisfied in love. Something will always feel off and that's because we're settling for less than what we need to thrive.

Deep aliveness and connection are on the other side becoming more you in love. I can attest to this fact first hand. When you're ready to make the courageous leap, know that you don't have to go it alone. I'll be here to walk along side you.